IT IS YOUR ACTUAL FUCKING BIRTHDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU GERIATRIC-ASS CURMUDGEON
FAIT LES BISES,
A SPECIAL LADY
+ EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS HORRIBLE/ACTUALLY TERRIFIC WEBSITE
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡🐌

hey man i’m writing this in one shot and not editing it, hope you like it! happy birthday <3

One sunny day nickd was walking down Milwaukee Avenue to like, buy beer with fonts on it or whatever he does in his free time. “What a beautiful day!” he said. “I sure hope nothing mysterious happens to me today!” But then suddenly all the buildings disappeared and a strange mystical fog beset him from all sides, and also it got super dark, and samples of a female voice all chopped and screwed started to drift through the cold Chicago air.

“What is happening!” said nickd, “I thought nothing mysterious would happen today.” Suddenly the air pressure changed, and there was a massive bass drop, and a wild Skrillex appeared!

“nickd!” said Skrillex. “Because your birthday approaches, it is time to prove that you are worthy of the Sword of Destiny. You must complete three quests: of body, of mind, and of soul. Once you have done this, only then will you be able to wield the Sword, and come into your inheritance, which has been due to you for some time.”

“wtf” said nickd

“Yeah dude,” said Skrillex. “Unfortunately I can not tell you any more, as the Winter Music Conference approaches, and I must alight to the South of Florida, for there are many beats to drop, and parties to rock, and clothes to remove from the bodies of those who wear them, using naught but the music of my heart and the bass in my samplers.” And thus the wild Skrillex disappeared, and the fog lifted, and all was back to normal in Logan Square, at least for now!

“That was weird” said nickd. And then he walked some more, but then he got down to Armitage, and all of a sudden Brian Urlacher was just standing there, poised for a challenge

“Hark!” said Brian Urlacher, with an unmistakable New Mexico twang in his voice. “It is time now for the Challenge of Body,” he declared with extreme linebacker authority. “You must defeat me in Greco-Roman Wrestling, like in the Olympics, which no one really watches.”

“omg” said nickd, “How will I beat Brian Urlacher in wrestling? He’s huge and is a millionaire football player,” but then suddenly he remembered something he read once on the Internet, about how to defeat champion fighters.

“Roast Beef had that strategy for bringing down Perfect Ron Sipes at the Great Outdoor Fight,” said nickd. “And he fell 2,997th in 2005! Well, who knows, you know? Football players are pretty rich but sometimes they don’t really manage their personal finances all that well,” reasoned nickd, and with that he suddenly did a power-kick backflip and punched Brian Urlacher square in the back! And it worked! Urlacher was all “oh no my one weakness! How I wish that awful Chris Onstad had not revealed it to the world!,” and then suddenly a giant backhoe appeared out of nowhere from some alley and took Brian Urlacher away, probably so he could go beg the McCaskeys not to stick the franchise tag on him.

“Awesome!” said nickd, “I can’t wait for the Challenge of Mind,” which was funny because then like .05 seconds later I showed up. “Hey dude, they asked me to do the Challenge of Mind, because I played so much quiz bowl in college,” I said. “I don’t know, it doesn’t really make much sense to me? They’re not even paying mileage for me to do this, I can’t even deduct it from my taxes.”

“That’s fucked,” nickd said.

“Right?” I asked rhetorically, because man, it was pretty fucked. “But anyway, it’s time for the challenge.” I fumbled around in my coat pockets for the 3x5 card with the question on it. “Basically you have to design the world’s most perfect website, in 30 minutes or less.”

nickd thought about this briefly. “This is an unnecessary task,” he said, “because someone already did it,” and then he produced an iPad from his bag, and pulled up html5zombo.com in Safari, because this is all taking place in an alternate universe where html5zombo.com still works and doesn’t 404 when you try to go to it.

“Extremely correct!” I said. “Man that website rules, it’s a shame the regular universe can’t get to it anymore. You can truly do anything,” I said. But then I had to leave, because I don’t know, probably I had something to do. In Pennsylvania.

“Just one more challenge,” said nickd. “I hope it’s at least even a little bit hard, these last two have been too easy.”

“Oh and but won’t you regret that,” said the most soulful voice on the planet, the voice of the Reverend Al Green.

“You’ve done well on your first two challenges,” the Good Reverend said. “I’m impressed. But you cannot win the Sword of Destiny just by back-punches and knowing what HTML5 is. No, you must complete the ultimate challenge. You must out-soul me, the Reverend Al Green, which is something only President Obama has ever done.” Al Green looked nickd over, with judgment in his eyes. “And I just don’t know if you’re a bad enough dude to beat the President.”

For the first time nickd was pretty nervous! “Oh man, out-souling the Reverend,” he worried, “that’s a tall order.” Then suddenly the fog returned, and the bass dropped! Skrillex had returned!

“nickd!” said Skrillex, and the bass drop growled with Intention in its voice. “I believe in you!” And he frisbee-tossed a couple of Tech 12s at him, and then two crates of the deepest house cuts and rare minimal techno appeared, like a vision from hour 13 of the greatest all-weekend Berlin party that ever existed, or something like that.

Anyway, so then nickd dropped like thirty minutes of serious tech-house bleeps and bloops, and all of the northwest side was seriously dancing like crazy. Even the Reverend Al Green, who is not a dude of classic Detroit techno or whatever, was really impressed.

“I mean it’s not my bag,” said the Reverend, “but that mix had some serious soul. You Chicago guys really know how to do it,” and then he gave nickd a salute, which meant that he had won. The three challenges: Passed!

Skrillex was pretty excited too. “You win the Sword of Destiny!” he announced. “Your inheritance awaits! Just head down to the Map Room, some guy there has it.” And then Skrillex vanished, because he wasn’t done with his set at WMC yet.

So nickd went to the Map Room, and on the corner there was a seriously Gandalf-looking old man with a satchel. “So, nickd, we meet at last,” he said. “I am here with your inheritance, the Sword of Destiny.” nickd wasn’t sure what to think, but he asked, “Where’s the sword? It doesn’t look like you have it.”

“Oh, the Sword of Destiny? It’s not really a sword,” Gandalf said. “It’s actually this cocktail I made once. Got me fired from the Whistler, it did,” he rambled. “Basically it’s Malört, with some grenadine in it, and then you take one of these little plastic swords off a Shirley Temple and run it through a maraschino cherry and put that in. Maybe add some 7-Up, I guess? I’m actually pretty burned out on the whole cocktail thing, I’ve been doing a lot of letter-pressing lately instead.”

“what” said nickd

“Yeah here it is, you have to drink it, it’s your inheritance. Happy fucking 30th birthday! Na zdrowie,” said Gandalf, and then he vanished in a puff of smoke!

“Man turning 30 is fucking weird,” said nickd finally, and that was the end of his challenge! The end!

ZOMBIE NICKD IS FUCKING OLD. click for a large version, suitable for wallpapering your computer and/or bathroom.

(thanks, daniel!)

Nickdoof is fucking old.

Oh, uh, happy birthday.
 

(from TVG)

thanks, peter!

PERSPECTIVE.

Sent using BlackBerry.

…anytime I needed it with my computer and personal ailments during college, I wish you a happy birthday, as shared through my favorite James Van Der Memes

Hey shorty, it’s your birthdayWe gonna party like its your birthday

We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday

And we don’t give a f**k it [IS] your birthday

-Thanks for being mad awesome Nick. I love you, I’m proud of you, and can’t wait to see what you’ll do in the years to come. Love Mary